Of True Scotsmen and Real Conservatives

Posted: June 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

A joke.

A man was standing off the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge, obviously about to jump.

A passer-by notices the jumper and quickly decides to try and talk him down off the ledge, so he tries talking to the jumper.

“Sir, are you an American?” to which the jumper answers “yes.”

“Where are you from?” – asks the Good Samaritan. “I am from Louisiana”, responds the distraught man.

“Great! What an incredible coincidence! I am from the South as well!” – says the Good Samaritan.

The passer-by continues to engage the jumper.

“What is your political affiliation, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian or Independent?”

The jumper looks back over his shoulder and answers “I am a Republican.”

“Me too, that’s amazing!” – the Good Samaritan continues, as he slowly moves closer to the jumper. “What kind of Republican are you: Conservative, small “l” libertarian, paleoconservative,  Krystolian neoconservative, or Country Club Republican?”

The jumper seems to be more engaged in the conversation at this point, visibly relaxing and responds: “I am a Conservative.”

The Good Samaritan gets excited . He is now within arm’s reach of the would-be jumper.

“Me too! Is this a small world or what?”

The would-be jumper smiles and sits on the handrail, the tension visibly leaving his shoulders.

The Good Samaritan finally reaches the man, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Whatever it is, we can sort this out” – he tells the jumper.

“Are you a Social Conservative, or a Fiscal Conservative?” – asks the Good Samaritan, continuing to  engage the jumper as he sits beside him on the handrail..

The man on the edge, now obviously more relaxed answers “Social Conservative” as a smile creeps across his face.

Now, the Good Samaritan with the jumper’s shoulder firmly in his grasp says “Me too! What kind of Social Conservative. Are you a Christian Right, or a Compassionate Conservative?”

The guy on the bridge says: “Compassionate Conservative”, and with that the Good Samaritan, becoming very angry, screams: “Die liberal!” and pushes him off the bridge. 

OK… maybe not so much a joke as possibly the core reason why Democrats will continue to win elections and mold the nation’s future for years to come. The right has no greater enemy than the right.

This week, two articles caught my attention.

From Breibart.


When we founded GOProud in 2009 people thought we were nuts.  We wanted to provide a strong voice for gay conservatives and their conservative allies. We had this crazy idea that you could have a group that represented gay and straight people that was authentically conservative. We had this crazy idea that maybe there was room for one gay group that would talk about the issues that REALLY impact gay Americans–jobs, the economy, taxes, retirement security, and healthcare–and do some from a strongly conservative place.

We set out to challenge conventional wisdom and show the world that all gays aren’t left-wing liberals AND all conservatives aren’t anti-gay homophobes.

What an absolutely silly and goofy idea, thinking that conservatives these days would entertain discussing issues like jobs, the economy, taxes, retirement security and healthcare from a conservative point of view with HOMOS!

Are you kidding?


You can’t even have a discussion with a homo if you’re a conservative, lest you want to risk developing an affinity for tea sandwiches and show tunes.

If you’re a homo and you want to be a conservative, or a Republican, or both, you must first book a flight to Texas in the hopes that someone in the Texas GOP will help you… or so it seems.

Draft Texas GOP Platform Swaps Antigay Language for ‘Ex-Gay’ Endorsement

(Advocate.com) The Texas Republican Party’s revision of its official platform shifts the rhetoric around homosexuality from condemnation to ‘cure.’

A draft of the Texas Republican Party’s platform cuts language claiming homosexuality “tears at the fabric of society” but recognizes the “legitimacy” of so-called reparative therapy to “escape from the homosexual lifestyle,” according to a copy obtained by the Houston Chronicle.

The Chronicle reports that the draft has removed a declaration about the sinfulness of homosexuality that appeared in the platform in years past, abandoning an affirmation that “the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society and contributes to the breakdown of the family unit. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God.”

In place of that language, the draft has included an endorsement of so-called ex-gay therapy, the scientifically discredited treatment that tries to turn gay people straight through prayer and counseling. Ex-gay therapy, also known as reparative therapy, has been rejected as harmful by every major medical and mental health organization in the country, and its use on minors has been prohibited in California and New Jersey, with similar legislation recently considered in New York, Minnesota, and Illinois, though the bills failed to pass in the latter two states. (The New York bill remains pending.)

Nevertheless, the Texas GOP’s draft platform language touts the discredited practice as an effective way out of the “homosexual lifestyle,” addressing the recent increase of laws banning the therapy directly.

That last hyperlink led you to a gay political publication. If your browser had cookies enabled, you will now begin receiving Groupon “B.O.G.O.”  offers to some of the best dinner-and-drag-show clubs in the nation, a free membership to the Clubhouse at RichardSimmons.com, and daily “Fabulous Thought of the Day” emails from RuPaul.


I guess I should have warned you first.

The Texas GOP believes, all available evidence to the contrary, that homosexuality can be “cured”.

This is the very same State whose legislature decided, back in 1973, that sodomy really wasn’t all that bad, an that they wanted to be able to engage in it with free conscience and with no fear of legal repercussions, so they legalized the act for themselves, but kept it illegal for homosexuals.

That’s like taking laws making ballot stuffing at elections illegal and changing them so that ballot stuffing is only illegal for libertarians and the Green Party.

Texas led the way to the overturning of all sodomy laws across the United States, making same-sex activity legal in every State of the Union and all U.S. territories.

See Lawrence v. Texas.

GOProud was trying to maintain focus on the things that conservatives are supposed to stand for, but somehow, somewhere along the way, conservatism has been hijacked by a group of people whose primary concerns seem to be to A) control the free interaction between consenting adults in the nation, and B) to set social standards for everyone in this country in accordance to their own moral values via force of government. Having the freedom to live their lives according to their own moral values apparently not being enough for them, they must now set in place the moral standards that the rest of the nation must live by.

And you are NOT a “real conservative”© unless you agree with them.

It’s the old “no true Scotsman” fallacy at play.

It goes like this:

Angus declares that Scotsmen do not pour sugar on their porridge, to which Lachlan replies by pointing out that he is a Scotsman and he pours sugar on his porridge. Furious, like a true Scot, Angus yells back that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge.

You can’t be a “real conservative”© unless you’re willing to uphold the moral and religious values of the Social Conservative wing of the GOP.

According to the Social Conservative wing of the GOP anyway.

So you can’t be a conservative if you’re gay.

Or an atheist.

Or a Buddhist.

Or a pacifist.

Or a Catholic (unless you renounce the current Pope).

And judging from the turnout in the last Presidential election, a Mormon.

I could go on with this list, but I don’t want to go there.

Like that joke at the onset of the article, defining what constitutes a “real conservative”© means engaging in a debate over an ever-narrowing definition of what conservatism means, where all parties participating in the discussion agree to jettison anyone who expresses the slightest variation on the agreed dogma at any point during the discussion. The problem with that is that there’s only one person who will completely agree with 100% of the specific, detailed political ideologies someone will hold, and that person is himself.

Here’s a visual on that last paragraph… the GOP’s “real conservative”© base:


The “real conservative”© wing of the GOP defines the GOP’s base as the narrowest and least populated point of the Party’s membership, because everyone who entertains even the slightest variation on the “real conservative”© social dogma, is a RINO, and not a a “real conservative”©.

Under this definition of what it means to be a conservative, if you believe in traditional conservative fiscal policies, in the concept that free markets make for free people, in the idea of Federalism and State’s rights, in the concept of individual responsibility, of freedom from government overreach, of smaller government, of limiting Federal powers to those strictly enumerated in the Constitution, you’re a conservative.

But the moment that you mention that Barry marrying Albert and Lisa marrying Alice isn’t something as important to you as the looming financial crash and burn of Western civilization, the death swan dive of America’s global influence, the inevitable collapse of our medical industry, and the very real possibility that we will all be speaking Cantonese soon, all your conservative ideals puff into think air like so much flash paper smoke, and someone immediately jumps up, loudly declares that you are not a “real conservative”© and pushes you off the bridge into the dark waters below.

Are you $^&%# serious?

Is this how we’re going to run this election cycle?

Are we going to continue to believe that exclusion serves some nebulous greater purpose?

Are we going to continue to argue that painting ourselves as morally superior to the rest of the people casting their votes will somehow win us their votes, out of sheer shame of being inferior?

We have the worst administration on the history of the nation in place.

Congressional approval ratings rival Niki Minaj’s ratings as an American Idol judge. The GOP could take control of both chambers in the fall.

The IRS… Benghazi… the VA… Obamacare… the number of Obama’s scandals is surpassing the number of known Paris Hilton “secret” sex tapes on the Internet.

There are millions of people who have lost all hope of being employed, millions who lost their health plans as a result of the “lie of the year“.

Million who are disenchanted with the economy and the administration’s (lack of a) foreign policy.

Millions questioning everything that the Democrats under Barack Obama stand for, but the Texas GOP thinks that “curing” homos is a really important issue on this election cycle.

When we have all those bullets in our guns to take on the Democrats,  do we really to want to pivot the attention of the voters to things like same-sex marriage, homosexuality and other social issues that should be absolutely irrelevant to any government function?

Is that we we want to do?

If we do, we are abject morons.

All we have to do is convince the nation that we can run the business of the nation better. If we can do that we win, and we continue to win because the truth is that we can run the business of the nation better than Democrats.

But when you begin judging the people of the nation as being immoral, or morally inferior by arguing that we’re morally superior, we lose them. No one reacts well to being morally judged to that degree.

Raising the morality of the people of the nation is something that cannot be legislated into being, or forced on them.

Get the economy back to what has always been the American standard.

Get the government out of the way of the people and the people will push the government away from them. That is the root source of all moral behavior. People taking pride in themselves, have pride in their families, and in turn, are proud of the nation they live in.

We will never roll back the tide of social change. It will never be 1956 again. But if my neighbors take pride in their property, and they work hard, and they watch out for me and mine, as good neighbors always have, and they take pride in the community, and the nation, and they do all of that because they take pride in themselves, what difference does it make to me if my neighbors are a married couple named Barry and Albert, or Lisa and Alice?

My pocket is not picked and my leg is not broken.

The Texas GOP has just thrown a lifeline to every single Democrat running for every single office, in every single District, in every single State of the Union. Democrats don’t have to discuss any of the things they’ve done that are really screwing up the nation now… they can just talk about how Republicans hate homos.

Sadly, GOProud’s idea that they could prove that not all conservatives are anti-gay homophobes didn’t get any manner of support from conservative anti-gay homophobes, so now they’re shutting down their organization.

I don’t blame them.

It’s becoming very difficult to be proud of being a member of the GOP these days.

It’s starting to feel very much like a bad joke.



And that’s the last wire for Monday, June 9 2014.

Everything that was news before this moment, is now history.

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